Hi there, I am poverty epitomized.

Oscar Wilde once said, “Who, being loved, is poor?”

Mr. Wilde and I would not have gotten along. Not one bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining and I know I’m well above the $1-a-day sustenance level of sub-Saharan Africans, but being poor in New York is not like being poor in San Diego. It’s like a science out here… Therefore, this is what I’ve resorted to:

  • Actually going to grad student events. Not because I want to or because I think they have things to offer me or even because I want to socialize — just because they almost always have free food and drinks.
  • Not eating. It’s overrated and Americans eat too much anyways. I’m calling it the USSR diet. However, even in a bankrupt communist society, you occasionally have to eat so when I do, I eat cheap. Really cheap. Get me some Gray's Papaya — $3.50 for two hot dogs and a drink. Maybe if I’m feeling like a particularly large spender that night, I’ll pick up some Mamoun’s — pita bread and humus for $2 after tax? Nice.
  • Taking NoDoz again. A large bottle of NoDoz will run you about $10. That’s something like 12 grams of caffeine which comes out to about $.83/gram. A cup of Starbucks has about 400mg of caffeine at about $2.50 per cup, which means you’re paying $6.25/gram of caffeine. And don’t tell me you’re actually paying for that garbage because it tastes good.
  • Shoving all my laundry into one load. I used to be really anal about my laundry. I used refused to let my mom do my laundry… I used to split it up by whites and colors and then dry it by fabric weight… All that, right out the window now… Pink socks are back in.

And soon, I will be selling my body. Now I’ve thought this through and I’ve looked through all the clinic trials websites to see if I was eligible(1), I’ve considered trying to sell a kidney in Canada but I think I only have one so I might need that(2), and if I had eggs, you bet I’d sell those suckers in a hurry.(3)

It looks like the only things I can sell right now are:

  1. My body as an escort to the old women at the golf clubs.(4)
  2. My services while I flip some illusions at night.(5)
  3. My plasma!

If anybody else wants to join me in selling their plasma, it’s a pretty sweet deal. Up to twice a week, $35 per visit, and you get some OJ and a cookie after. Another benefit, you lose all your water so it won’t take much for you to get to your new lower drinking limit — save some money when you go out too. I’ve done it before — it’s safe!

See, NYU? This is what your stingy scholarship office has driven me too…

Footnotes:
  1. I’m not. [↩]
  2. Not kidding. [↩]
  3. Again, not kidding. [↩]
  4. Always Sunny reference in case you missed that. [↩]
  5. Arrested Development reference that time. [↩]